Cernunnos Morrigu (cmorrigu) wrote,
Cernunnos Morrigu
cmorrigu

  • Mood:

stress

Well, I freaked out earlier. Hardcore.

I checked my email and found a message from that HR person. It was the stock "We think you're great, but you don't fit the positions we have available" bullshit. I got confused, as well as being royally pissed. I mean, I already had an offer in the works before she even set up the interview, right? This doesn't mean the job I thought I had is now nixed, does it? Sadly, I can't know this until tomorrow morning.

So I went into a mental spin. Got alternately furious and depressed. Spent time playing music too loudly, went out and did some stress-relief shouting in the car, talked with Ankh for a bit, had some calming tea... then came back, played some UT to get the last of the aggression out.

And now I'm more or less ok. I can probably last until I figure out what's going on in the morning.

But I've done some serious thinking in the meantime, as well as talking with Ankh. There's something I must project when interviewing or something that keeps me from getting these jobs. I mean, I've had these interview every month or so since I quit before Easter. And it all seems to be going well, then *pop* I get the standard "You're great, but.." message. I don't know what it is. I know that I get the same message when HR people are doing their basic checklist on my resume, so that doesn't bother me nearly as much. It's the in-person or even phone stuff that irritates me. I've tried varying the way I handle each interview to see if that helps, but evidently to no avail so far. Ankh says I leave a bad impression on everyone I've met through her. At least initially, that is... After that initial bad impression, it quickly turns favorable... So what is it?

Somehow trust has been coming into many conversations I've had lately. I've been dealing with friends with new relationships here lately, and so naturally talk of trust has been relevant. I have yet to find anyone who has gone as far as I have to prove my trust in someone. One night, lying in bed, Strawberry brought up the notion that I didn't seem to trust her. I immediately went into the kitchen, grabbed a steak knife, and went back to bed. I lay flat on my back, put the knife to my throat, and wrapped her hand around it. I put my hands by my side, smiled at her, and said "Of course I trust you, don't you see?" That made quite an impression.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm sociopathic or psychotic. It's not a fun thing to contemplate.

At the moment, I realize I need to reorganize my life, my priorities, and the ways in which I'm getting to where I'm going. I was counting on this new job to be the catalyst that would cause me to refocus myself. And now, I may not have it. What to do? I still have this need of external motivation to get things done, especially major items like this.
I'm still too much of a thing-fetishist, a... materialist. Ankh accused me of loving money more than anything, but the truth is that I live to collect the toys... the money is just a means to that. I dislike that part of myself, sometimes.. Other times I revel in it. I try to keep it under control, but it's tough. I can compare myself to friends or family, but what's the point, really? I don't like that part in myself, and because of that, I also dislike it in others.

My life when alone consists of working, eating as little and as cheaply as possible, and vegging or computing in nearly all of my spare time. It's a cheap existence, until you count in the toys. Intellectually, I know I need to keep putting more and more into my retirement plans. I know I should get out more. See more of the sights, meet more new people, that sort of thing.

I know I need to get back into an exercise program. No doubt about that, I've gained some weight. I think alternating days of DDR and bicycling with weights and crunches thrown in will be sufficient for my needs. I'm not doing any of that here.

Emotionally, I have no idea what I need. I should probably stay away from a relationship until I do. Or at least figure something out to put myself back into some sort of balance.

I have collections and projects hanging out everywhere. No motivation to complete them. This is something I really need to work on. Another part of the post-job plan.

I need to lighten the fuck up sometimes. And take more opportunities to sit down and get things done instead of wasting time with nothing. Then again, I reject the societal notion that everything fun and healthy must involve going out with people, I do just fine on my own.

I need to liquidate some of my junk, hopefully gaining some cash or tax credit from it. And not immediately replace it, either. Some of my friends, RedneckNinja in particular, can fit everything they own in their car. I'd be lucky to fit everything I own into a semi trailer.

I did do pretty good today, I got rid of a few more boxes of stuff, although they were smaller boxes -s hoeboxes and the like. Still, I have been working pretty steadily (albeit slowly) towards reducing my junk quotia. I can be proud of that fact.

Hmm, I know there was more being tossed around in my head earlier, amongst the rest of the confusion... But I'm actually starting to feel a bit sleepy, and it may be best if I just leave it there. I need to get this out somewhere, both to offload it from my mind and to have it available for later reference.

I know I have some more rants in me, as well. I should try to get another one out here soon, hopefully an entertaining one. Anyways, I'm off to bed.
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