It's the fun, the adventure, the surprises... Those things which make it all worthwhile. What's the point in me simply "having a job" that causes great amounts of undue stress and loss of sleep if I can't take advantage of the money I make? If I can't enjoy the little time I do have off? If I'm too tired and moody to spend time with friends?
I miss the road trips we used to take. The infamous one with RedneckNinja and Oz in particular - I just don't do that anymore. I'm no longer able to act impulsively like that. To blow cash on stupid shit. To enjoy life without worrying overly much about consequences.
I never was THAT immature, but it seems I've lost everything I did have in that direction. I am not happy. I am not having fun. I do not like who and where I am in life. I do not know what I can do to remedy the situation.
I'm tempted to perform the ultimate impulsiveness again - to quit work, store my stuff, and go live with RedneckNinja, Oz, etc off and on for awhile. It's what I sort of did a few years back, only at that time I was able to mooch off the rents. Not so now. But there are things like rent and mail and car payments to worry about. I don't have the big cushion I had last time.
And, tho I hate to admit it, I'm lonely. I simply don't make the effort to have enough friends around to do things with on a whim - they're all busy with their own lives most of the time. Intention and follow through are two different things, and it seems that it's lacking on all sides.
Perhaps I'm just being brittle, that events have gotten me down again so I'm just speaking from a low point. Hard to say, really. I know myself better than anyone else, and even I have a hard time figuring things out. I'm an independent person most of the time, but I need those bouts of closeness from time to time with others to keep going. It's been too frequent of late for any one person to handle.
So much for a thoughful, organized entry. More of a stream of consciousness than I intended. Bah.