Cernunnos Morrigu (cmorrigu) wrote,
Cernunnos Morrigu

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the brittle edge

I was fragile before, but now I'm positively brittle.

I keep going over the edge and somehow clawing my way back, barely crossing the line.

Oridnary irritants become major life issues in this mode. Everything and anything is taken as a personal attack. It's not a fun existence.

I want to get back to living my life the way I was used to. Sure, it was frustrating at times... And I still had mood swings and such. But it was ... better than this, to put it mildly.

There might be one saving grace later tonight... we'll see what happens. At the moment, I don't know that I'll have the energy... scrap that, I'll force myself to do it... It's not such a common thing that I can just let myself lay back and NOT continue in the pattern I've established. It may even help somewhat.

I'll be working a long shift Sun night thru Mon morn... I hope I don't have to do anything Sat... and I also hope by Mon that we're done with this crap for a week at least... I need some serious downtime. The kind of thing where I go visit RedneckNinja and get blotto or something.

I think my issue right now is that I see no end in sight, and more and more being piled up in front of me to do. I would stop work now, but I know I need to complete this task so that my coworker can do stuff tomorrow... And I don't want to let them down. I've still got that personal pride left.

It took a supreme act of will last night to not order the laptop I want... Today, it's $2k more... so I won't be getting it. My CC bill for the DVDs came in this morning, so holding off was the wise choice. Then Rodimus and I went to the mall for lunch, and I almost bought 2 more GBA games... But I held off somehow. I'm in a mood to buy crap just to try to make myself feel better. It's a dangerous thing.

I did, while in the wild throes of insomnia early this morning, manage to clean out bills and misc crap from 2-3 years ago from a drawer I hadn't touched in awhile... I was glad to accomplish that.... I have another drawer to hit if it happens again tonight.

I fear I've been delusional of late. Mind wandering into the idealistic territory and such. Not good, but reality sucks atm.

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