Cernunnos Morrigu (cmorrigu) wrote,
Cernunnos Morrigu
cmorrigu

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Total Eclipse of the Heart

Finally. After too long being blah, I hit rock bottom. I withdrew from the world. Then, I dealt with it. Now, I'm rejoining the living.

I'm being very careful and expending lots of braintime in taking steps. I want to turn it around now, and gain motivation and momentum. I do not want to fail immediately and wait and let myself sink back into the depths.

I deleted my LJ, logged out of ICQ and IRC, and put another site on hold in order to deny myself the excuse to be obsessively checking them instead of doing other tasks. I left the dead site up, since neither I nor anyone else seriously expects any activity there. I also turned off my phones and ignored any messages. This can be considered running away and not dealing with life... Yet, I think this has helped my focus and concentration in dealing with myself.

It comes down to an unhappiness with my place in life, and the fact that I was neither admitting nor taking action to resolve it. It's pretty clear now. Vegging on the couch every night instead of accomplishing anything isn't the way to go. Whining about things not going my way without doing something about them is one of the things I attempted to press on myself months ago, and I seem to have failed.

I seem to have done my best to project it outside of myself. Granted, there were external factors which contributed to the stress, and ended up pushing me over. However, it's much easier to handle the external ones if you're set internally. I wasn't anywhere close. It's easy to mask the internal conflict instead of admitting it.

So now, I'm going to give it another shot. Improve myself in the ways I think I need to, take a first step or three. Do it in manageable, if radical, chunks.

I have actually been doing the crunches and stretches lately that I should have been doing all along. I have started to look at my diet, and realize there are some areas in which I can and will improve it.

I want to discipline myself to not using laziness, lethargy, or mood as excuses to not get things done. This will be harder. I want to avoid filling conversations with whining and complaints - no one wants to hear it, least of all myself.

I want to get the stuff in my apt organized and cleaned out, pared down to what I use or keep for some similar reason - no more sentimentality, I can scan/digicam pic almost anything like that. No more toys until I have dug in and got something done on this end - no matter how good the deal.

I want to change the way I present myself, and dress. I've got too many articles of clothing that I use rarely, if ever - some of them are very nice, and I should be wearing those instead of the near-rags I use most of the time. I want to have a better balance of solo/group time... This means going out despite feeling lazy, and finding new people to do things with.

I want to stop obsessing over everyone I see. I need to step back from the obsession and actually interact with people to see if we have enough in common to hang out - then see where it leads. Too often, I obsess straight into fantasy until reality catches up. I need to start in reality instead.

These are not some new year trend resolution things. This is the result of writing myself a bit ol' reality check and deciding that I am not what I could be, should be, and want to be. And, since I'm the only one who knows me well enough to change me, as well as the only one who can make that change, I will try to do so. No promises, No talk, just effort. As they say over at DDRKC, "Shut up and Dance!"

Yesterday, I was on the edge of sanity... I didn't quite realize how close to the edge I was at the time. All it took was one little bit of miscommunication to completely push me over. I'm glad it did, really. I came home, screamed with rage, and slept it off. Upon waking, I realized I was still too brittle to deal with my normal habits. So, I dropped out of my normal reality as much as I could - I'm too much an online persona to completely leave... But I took to sites where I'm not as well known, and tried reading others' friends lists (which I found bland).

This lead me to turning the computer off and actually letting myself admit the truth I knew all along. It also gave me time to ponder that truth, and realize I could change it. I was not happy. I was not doing anything about it. This was wrong.

I let myself think plenty... Finally slept at a reasonable time, and slept decently for the first time in awhile. I woke up early, allowed myself to think while drifting in that half-waking state... Then got up and ready when the alarm sounded.

Got to work, and put forth much effort towards getting my work done while ignoring the mood I was in. I also did my best to avoid the boss, coworkers, and other distractions as I did not feel ready to do both.

A couple things really hit home... Today's SinFest was one. I went to lunch early and alone, and just as I was getting set to leave,
Turn around, every now and then I get a
little bit lonely and you're never coming around
Turn around, Every now and then I get a
little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
Turn around, Every now and then I get a
little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
Turn around, Every now and then I get a
little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
Turn around bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
Turn around bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart

Turn around, Every now and then I get a
little bit restless and I dream of something wild
Turn around, Every now and then I get a
little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms
Turn around, Every now and then I get a
little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry
Turn around, Every now and then I get a
little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes
Turn around bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
Turn around bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

Turn around bright eyes
Turn around bright eyes
Turn around, every now and then I know
you'll never be the boy you always you wanted to be
Turn around, every now and then I know
you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am
Turn around, every now and then I know
there's no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you
Turn around, every now and then I know
there's nothing any better and there's nothing I just wouldn't do
Turn around bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
Turn around bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart came on. I sat with my eyes closed and sang along quietly. I also took time to reread the zodiac, and ponder the identification I felt with the listed animal's description (as well as others). Combined with the epiphany yesterday and the time I've taken to actually allow myself to think, it's been motivating.

I was in full work mode just before I left, something I hadn't quite been able to capture since before the holidays. The interruption of my boss leaving, and a friend's inquiry in their soft, yet persistent, way combined to break my concentration... So I left.

At home, I didn't immediately plug the laptop in and get online to check things. I resisted that impulse, and used the time to sort clothes, put them away, get trash ready to take out, and other household tasks I had been ignoring. I had dinner, allowed myself to plug the laptop in but not turn it on, and did some stretching, crunches, and the like. Then, I left for DDR.

Had a decent time, I didn't feel quite so dead after the first round, even though I really didn't warm up slowly as I probably should. Saw various people, failed the cata I keep trying, and left.

I decided to make my time a full 24 hour exile, so I'm updating this text file in preparation for the right time to undelete and upload. I have a few details to wrap up, then I should fully be back in virtual reality.

I still need to limit myself, however. I have to put off checking for updates in order to get things done in reality. This is what I'm going to try in order to get myself above the horizon for awhile... For my life has been lacking balance.
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