Cernunnos Morrigu (cmorrigu) wrote,
Cernunnos Morrigu
cmorrigu

AntiMotivation

And the worst part to me is this. Yesterday I was psyching myself up to get into a pattern this week. To make sure I exercise, clean up my room and the basement, to go through all my stuff and get rid of crap I don't need, to organize my clothes and basically prepare to move out. Now I just feel like sitting and vegging in front of the tv, getting absolutely nothing done at all. It's my natural reaction to stupid mandates coming down to me. I guess I did pick up some of the belief in the principle of the thing from Chichi.

The principle is that it was not worth working in the environment I was working in. So I quit. I had another job lined up, but it fell through. I had other jobs lined up, but each of them fell through so far. I agree that this is not the best of situations, and that it is not fair to expect a free ride forever. But it's not as if I am not trying, even if I am not giving 100%. I kept finding the opportunity that seemed to be the best match, and it keeps falling through for reasons unknown to me. Now I am after a half dozen jobs this time, my motivation is stronger, and they're in the works. Now is not the time to be getting a crappy job for no reason at all other than to be working. I still have money in the bank to live off of. But no, his principle is that I have been graduated from school for a few years, and I need to be working. Which as far as I am concerned is a load of crap, especially as far as practical motivational value goes. I want to be working. I want to have cash to spend on the junk i normally buy, I want to live in my own place, I want to go out to lunch with co workers, and have that kind of social atmosphere to my day. I also want a job I will stay in for a few years, where I am respected and treated well, where I am compensated for the knowledge I bring and the work I do for the team and the company. And I'm not going to find that flipping burgers or manning the check out lane.

I may just move out. At the moment, I am seriously considering moving back out west by Friday. It's a stupid idea, it's wasteful of my cash reserves, and it's not very practical. Hmmm, sounds like the perfect thing to use in this war with Chichi.

On the plus side, I would be out there already, so interviewing and getting hired would be that much simpler and easier. Of course, I was hoping to get a relocation package, or some bonus to foot part of the moving expenses, and would have to scrap that.

I'm not sure. There are other reasons I want to remain in this state for another week or two, as well.. I want to do the last round of hanging out with friends before I move out west and don't see them for awhile. That, and I think they're leaving for FL for T-day on Fri or something.... It would be a much better idea for me to seriously consider doing some of this then, while they're gone... Ooooohhhhh just imagine their reaction when they come back and I've moved all of my stuff out... With their damn key lying on the counter. That has much more value to me then getting a shitty job for a day or a week or whatever.

Maybe I should "get a job" after all... something like having a friend give me a few buck to sort their cd collection or something. Maybe I should go around to the used stuff stores and sell off my old LDs, that could be a suitably worthless "job". I'd be bringing in a few dollars every week doing stuff like that, just as if I were flipping hotdogs or something...

It's my nature, when I feel slighted, to not openly admit anything, to not react in the face of confrontation. I hate confrontation, really. But that doesn't mean that I won't slip out the side, run around behind someone, and snipe at them from afar.

So now today is going to be wasted, thanks to Chichi and the stupidity of his current politics. Or maybe not, maybe I can use this to motivate myself. Or perhaps I will just pack up what's necessary and move in with friends - I've had plenty of offers to do so. That will put me effectively out of their reach.

What to do... What to do...

Maybe I'm being a bit too self-justified, whiny, etc... And if I am, then I can accept that part of myself. I've been a bit down, and I know what happens when I get that way. Then again, I don't think they understand about this situation from my view, and although I think I understand what their view is, this is not a good way of trying to change it.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen... Lend me your words. I come to record my life for posterity and catharsis, not to be praised for my faults.
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