Cernunnos Morrigu (cmorrigu) wrote,
Cernunnos Morrigu

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love or crush?

Been falling in love alot recently.... or crushing on people... or letting myself dream and fantasize about people I'll never meet.

It's not too bad, just 90% of my friends list... And anyone I've seen in the past 4 weeks or so... And anyone I've chatted, emailed, IMed, spoke to on the phone, or otherwise contacted.

This morning, a few on my friends list just sparked me. I've caught up on entries now, and a few I just couldn't believe how intense I felt. That's me, though. I tend towards the crush/love from afar trend. I let myself do that most of the time, it's just so much easier that way. RL relationships are too complex, too demanding, and never compare.

Not to say I'm against them. But the pure attraction and freedom of teasing Tigger or Catmist... taking the place of someone in one of Risque's stories... seeing the beauty of Linc or Bath... the humor of Gnome... Debating with Ectv or Hunnybee... the randomness of Strange or Lamana... the life events of Live, Tris, or Deb... The pain of Authoress or Ceno... The darkness of Machina... The independence of Sinth or Silver... well I could go on with a word or two for all those on my list.

This idealism, this purity of the informational glimpse into their lives, this is what allows me to love them. Not for any reality but the one that is created by what they write and how I read it. I love them for what they are to me, independent of any other relationship I or they might have. This is not to say I'm crossing the line into speaking for them, for saying they love me, or to think there is another relationship outside of the LJ context. That doesn't matter.

The reason the people that are on my friends list are there is because I am attracted to them. After reading their entries for a time, I have grown to love them. I may dream or fantasize about someone, and I enjoy that part of it. Will I ever meet them? Proabably not. Will I ever live out a fantasy with them? No. I am content with the current terms.

That said, there is always that temptation. I've done it a few times before... Getting to 'know' someone, then trying to relate those ideals into reality. At the same time I revel in the way online relationships work, I hate that conversion step to reality. Unless I already knew someone RL, I would say no one reading my LJ has any idea what I'm in reality. They don't know my voice, my appearance, my bearing - anything.

I love the anonymity that I strive for in my LJ. It makes reality a bitch, though.

There's no way to trust what I'm writing here. I'm realizing I can type all day explanation after explanation about how I work and feel and love and crush and lust and enjoy... But I can still come off sounding like some undesireable scummy stalker type who goes out and looks for pretties to obsess over.

It's sad, really.

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