Cernunnos Morrigu (cmorrigu) wrote,
Cernunnos Morrigu

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disassociated context

I've been feeling very remote lately... Can't seem to focus on anything at all. Remembering anything for more than 3 seconds is hard, as well. It's like I'm completely cut off from the world...

I was driving the other day, just a normal short drive from point to point... and I suddenly realized I had no idea where I was or what I was doing. Thankfully, I came to realize I was driving pretty quick, but...

Last night I was talking to Oz and MUDding and chatting and such... and I couldn't keep track of any of it. I died in the MUD, I had no idea what Oz was saying, etc...

It's strange.

I know I've missed a bunch of things I should be putting in here. They've been the subject of dreams and thoughts for awhile now, I just haven't been able to organize them to a point where writing about them would do any good.

Had a long conversation with RedneckNinja the other night about stuff... Including the reason Jingoro won't talk to me anymore. According to Jingoro, I attempted to steal their SO from them. Now, I will not deny this. I will mention two facts - it was a mutual flirting interest, and I was not thinking of it in those terms.

Spoke with Hunnybee and Morphine the other day about things, including the current situation with Rodimus and S. We all know Rodimus is pretty much in a depressed panic mode, but that does not excuse their behavior towards others. They made their own hell, and they're the ones that have to deal with it.

Spoke with Oz last night about Strawberry. I think we're somewhat in agreement that me going up and visiting in order to finally have it all out face to face is about the best path... Although Oz kept trying to push ways of playing mind games and such instead. They did ask a somewhat profound question. Why is it that Strawberry had such a major impact on me, and Taz did not? I had no real answer to that.

I have continued to attempt cleaning up and selling stuff of, and have made at least some progress on both fronts. Sunday, I did laundry, folded clothes, even vacuumed... as well as took some more pics of the stuff to sell. Last night's end of auctions were disappointing, however. Chichi's newpaper went for something like $30 instead of the 10¢ they originally paid for it. My stuff never made reserve.

Tried to FTP to/from Oz last night, with no luck. Evidently they have some handy code snippets and such they want to share.

Work... I think I'm settling back into it. Had a long meeting yesterday that I actually welcomed somewhat - in order to not sit in my office for that block of time. I even dealt fairly well with the fact that most of it was directed at everyone in the room except me. When I went home, work was not in my mind except a brief thought to check my mail if I had the chance.

I am trying to separate my actual motivations at the time from my current situation in looking back on some past events... especially dealing with Strawberry, Ankh, and Taz. I hate that self-justified crap that is so easy to do.

Also I'm trying to achieve the self balance I think I need. It's tricky. I want to act and profess the same things, and not be a bigot. So trying to curb whining without action to resolve - that's the big one. I can't seem to decide whether non-action, ignoring, and waiting can actually qualify as action sometimes. We'll see.

Chichi went in for another transfusion yesterday, I should probably call them.

Chichi sent me an email on Sun saying the digicam I've been looking at is on sale this week at on of the office stores... $50 off with some added extras, not a bad deal. Not sure if I'm going to use it enough to justify though - I can always borrow a digicam if I need one.

Morphine and Hunnybee and I also discussed Taz the other day - how they are so insecure in themselves that they cannot deal with their own actions alone... they keep wanting others to tell them it's okay. And of course the fact that they seem to think everyone is mad at them because they're no longer with me. That's not the point. The issue at hand that has people annoyed is the manner in which they treated me - we all agree that if they're happier with someone else, then they should go do that. That does not give cause to lie to anyone and draw it out far beyond normal human limitations.

I know I'm not getting my points across as well as I could, but I'm still trying to deal with this current surreality.

Yesterday I left a little early for lunch, ans my phone rang just about when I was at my car - Rodimus, wanting to go to lunch. We did Chinese. Had somewhat more mellow conversation than most of late, but still had an underlying feel of.. something.

They did the token count yesterday, which makes the 3 month mark. While I'm glad for that and the $ it represents, I still want to be rid of them. It just doesn't make sense for me to keep them, and I gave a final notice to the people I've been negotiating with, so we'll see what they come back with.

Oh, RedneckNinja also told me that Jingoro and their SO are split until Feb or something. Jingoro is back in college town and SO is still home.

There is more, but nothing else right now. I finish a few work things and go to lunch. This afternoon is a big director's meeting, then home early... have to work from midnight until 2am.

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