I know I shouldn't have, but... damn.
I feel much better now, though. Spent some time catching up on journals. Ranted on a few. XR Sized a little. started dinner and some laundry.
I figured out what I'm going to do, since I was lax on the XR Size over the long weekend. I won't permit myself to mud until I've done XR Size. that should help.
tonight... hmm... I need to get some things done for work, since I fucked off a bit. I'd also like to organize some more stuff for ebay, or clean up a box/drawer/pile of junk. Mental notes to borrow Morphine's digicam again... and find out what happened with that second bottle of wine... and the monitor.
prolly watch some tv or a dvd as background. need to talk to RedneckNinja.
spent quite awhile talking to Hunnybee today... realized that I should post some of that in here, since I didn't yet.
about Ankh over the weekend:
see, we had too good of a time on my visit. it was very strange, and weirded me out to some extent. yes, it was exactly what I needed, but...
I've got issues. Strawberry still has hold of me to some extent, and I really can't relax until that's taken care of. That means going up there to visit and finally have it all out.
so, back to Ankh. we were talking during the early morning after they got back from a party and were drunk. and suddenly, I realized I was starting to fall back into the old pattern. I was getting pissed for no reason. so we talked the next day a bit, and it happened again... and kept getting worse. I realized what was going on, so I ended the conversation... then they got on icq and started messaging me. I warned them flat out that I was in a mood to do damage to them if they continued. They continued, and I went off. almost completely. I held back some, but...
You know how only someone who really knows you can just rip you apart? they can take all those fears and such and just stab at them directly? I did that. I took advantage of everything I know about Ankh and I unloaded it all at once on them. Some of it was true, some of it was not.
In any case, I really hurt them. Deeply.
After I did that, I was calm and out of that mood. And we kept talking, for some odd reason. You would have thought one of us would stop at that point. But we didn't.
I ended up admitting my love/hate for them. I cannot accept them. Yet I want to.
One thing I didn't do was apologize. I am disappointed in myself, however. It is that kind of behaviour I loathe in other people, and try to avoid. Yet I didn't this time. I let it all out, knowing I was cutting deep.
That dark part of me doesn't get out much, thankfully.
So now it's a bit strange... we're still talking, and yet... something has changed. there's a different... edge... to it all.
I want to justify it with my warning and the idea that it was necessary for them to let go of me completely. But that's bs, I fear. Yes, there's some truth in those, but... The fact is that there's a part of me that doesn't give a damn about anyone at all, and I let it come out and play. And I hurt someone very deeply.
food's done, time to eat.