I went offline for awhile and went to bed to scream into pillows and hit them... that took a bit of the edge off...
Taz called back and immediately asked if I was going to tell them what was going on - I said that now was not the time to discuss it. They were obviously not happy, and told me to call them when I was ready to.
I couldn't do it last night - if I would have tried, I would have ended up yelling at them and saying stupid shit for no other reason than to hurt them and get rid of some buildup.
RedneckNinja called, and I told them I was in a bad mood... I really love them, they just said ok and we hung up.
I stewed for awhile more, there was another anonymous phone call where no one spoke - about the 4th one of the day. I know my attitude was coming through when I answered.
RedneckNinja called back because evidently Taz called them, and asked if I was okay. I finally said something about having dinner and would talk later if I felt better.
Ate. Ate some more. Drank some beer. Vegged, but didn't relax.
Watched the first ~20mins of Boondock Saints which was good as far as it went, but then couldn't watch anymore.
Ended up just lying on the couch watching the storm outside with the windows open. That really helped. Also drugged myself so I'd sleep.
Slept okay, woke up and went to bed, slept in a bit...
Ok, so what is my deal? What triggered this intense mood swing?
lesse.. didn't sleep in as long as I wanted to... got to the mall early and had to wait... the store didn't have what I went there for... Saw a few things I would have liked, but money's still a bit tight... dropped almost $100 on a new HD for the desktop, which was the priority... tried to get the $ from my machines, but the arcade person wasn't in, waited for awhile - they still didn't show up... came home, ate, napped... found out there was a problem with one of the machines... went back to the arcade, found out they were anally violating me on the deal... machine was fine though... came home and vegged, then Taz called... I tried to start dinner, and fucked it up.. that's when I went to bed for a bit... came back out and started dinner again... tried to set up the comp - fucking thing wouldn't even post... Taz called again, etc...
that's yesterday... now a bit of background and detail...
I'm not happy with the situation with Taz. At all. In fact, I'm thinking about just not seeing them again. Ever. For any reason. Might be easier that way. It's frustrating to no end. Last night just brought certain thoughts into the front of my mind, where they're lurking and trying to take over. I start thinking that they're lying, that I can't trust them, that they're just playing me... Despite what they say. They talk about their ex as if they want them back. Everything else in their life has a higher priority than me. They talk about all these wild times getting drunk and going home with someone that they used to do... And the one time they go and get drunk and have a wild time, I'm not invited. They mentioned that they gave their keys to 'a friend' and that rumors probably started when they left together... and they were dancing and hugging and talking and having a whole lot of fun. So this tells me that they're much happier without me... that they can't have fun around me, and don't really want to be around me. That despite their words, they don't love me. My reaction is to let them be happy without me by not even trying to be part of their life - in fact, by working to not even see or talk to them.
And then there's the situations some of my friends are in, it's wearing on me. Tigger told me much on thurs night, and I really want to help them somehow - it's just... and then there's Jingoro and Trinity... Rodimus and S... my own family... and others that aren't even close to me, really... it's just that I seem to be in the know about too much shit that I have no influence over. It builds up.
Not to mention the assholes who are on some kind of revenge campaign for something they say I did - but don't know about. They got physical last week, vandalizing and destroying... I wasn't there, and am glad in some ways - who knows, I could be in jail for assault now if I had been.
And then knowing Haha and Chichi are moving to FL.... and that Chichi isn't in good shape at all... and all that.
And work... there's always work stress. I just don't know. I'm really not a wage slave, no matter how much I like the actual work I do. These new tasks with meetings and crap like that, I just couldn't really care less. And the past 2 weeks have been downtime.. bah
I'm unhappy with my apt, and have no motivation to clean it up. In fact, I'm thinking what I want to do in Oct or whenever it is my lease is up is to move to a place that is really cheap and not get cable or anything extra. Yes, cable modem/dsl, but not the tv channels. I should organize and sell off whatever crap I can ASAP, get it out of here.... I was considering selling off my CDs and DVDs and game consoles... Videotapes... MTG cards... Lynx stuff... board games... everything, most of which I don't touch even on a yearly basis. Go back to a simpler lifestyle and concentrate on the few things that I do and that I enjoy doing... whatever those are. Be at a point where if I leeave work, I don't have to worry about cost of living for a few months.
All things considered, I'm pretty lucky in life so far. Not happy, but lucky. I guess what I'm looking at doing is removing the distractions in order to seek happiness.
Strawberry doesn't seem to be it. Ankh doesn't seem to be it. Taz doesn't seem to be it. Any of the others I talk to and have discussd possibilites with - none of them seem to be it.
I'm not saying that my happiness resides in someone else - but I think having someone in at least some ways to contribute to it would definately aid in the search, even if only for a few days.
I look around here and I'm sickened by what I see. I should be doing so much better with maintaining this place, and the excess I have just lying around should be somewhere else where someone will appreciate it.
Taz is driving south for a few hours today with the kids... RedneckNinja is off work... I'll probably make the calls later, see if I can talk things out intelligently instead of ranting and such.