March 26th, 2003



I suppose it wasn't clear from the previous post - Chichi isn't expected to survive the chemo.

Ankh logged on, chatted briefly. They gave Tiger to someone else. That pushed me over the edge. It's my fault, I didn't make it clear enough that I wanted them. Hurts, tho. Knew they'd call, they did. Told them I wasn't in a mood to talk. Hung up.

Went to bed, slept.

Hit rock bottom again, pure depressive state.

It figures, I had been thinking everything was okay... under control, looking good, etc. I had plans set tomorrow... the weekend.... Was feeling pretty good. Now, I just hurt.... ache.... too frazzled to do anything.

In a way, it's sort of enlightening. The impermenance of things... The life to be lived while you have it.... Realization of your own limits and how time wasted can never be returned to.

But it's really just a self-made mental hell.
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    depressed depressed

buyer's remorse

come to think of it, perhaps it hasn't been as cheery as I initially thought.... perhaps I was already close to the edge, and events conspired today to push me over. or yesterday, I suppose. I slept for quite awhile earlier, but I still consider that a nap... need to crash soon for the real sleep.

I ended up doing more shopping.. online... damn techbargains... found some good deals, and so bought things to make myself feel better. Resulting in feeling worse due to buyer's remorse setting in... Not to mention going against things I'm trying to change about myself..

I'll deal, eventually.

This whole thing with Chichi is the reason I resent the medical establishment... They portray themselves as lifesavers, and that they can work miracles... well, here's their chance. They say if they don't do this, Chichi will die pretty soon. They also say that if they do this, Chichi may die. What a great choice. It's interesting that they didn't want to do any of this sooner... How can they expect a person to live through heavy chemo, a spleen removal, AND a bone marrow transplant - all in a row? It'd be something for someone in otherwise good health and shape, let alone someone who's been fraglie for what, nearly 2 years now? In some ways, I want them to go ahead and "check out" as they termed it.... Get it over with, let everyone deal. Then again, it's hard to let them go.... Especially for Haha. Of course, there's that slim chance that they will actually be stubborn enough to pull this off and recover completely.

Eh, we'll see.
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    crappy crappy

moods change

Strange past day or so... I think my moods have stabilized enough to allow for the lj lunch.

Prolly heading to DDR after that, tho I'm tempted by the PHP user group meeting.... since that's at 3, it would put me in the triangle at the beginning of rush hour - prolly just do DDR instead.

Haven't been able to concentrate enough to actually accomplish anything. I'm betting on this afternoon's activities to help relax me enough to be able to get some things done tonight/tomorrow.

Checked email at work - didn't have anything.... Still waiting for the official word about the rest of the week. I could use the days - IF I can concentrate enough to make use of them. Otherwise, I might as well be at work doing nothing.
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    discontent discontent

What a day

LJ Lunch was first up... had a good time hanging out with everyone and abusing all the digicams. I both impressed and annoyed everyone (as usual) with Stealth Camera Style ©. I'll have to dump the pics and get them posted later.

After that, headed to DDR... the senic route. I headed in the general direction, not famililar with the area of town. It was very relaxing to just drive, taking whatever road I felt like, with no time pressure or worries... Finally got there, took some pics, rocked out on the Extreme machine, hung out with everyone, met new people, etc.

Got home, and my Laptop had arrived... it's at the office, which is closed -_- *sigh* NEW TOY, and I can't get to it until tomorrow... I think they open at 7, so I plan on being there early whether or not I have to work.

Got a call from Chichi... Called back, but they were talking to friends, so I took a shower and fixed a sandwich for dinner before calling them back. Chichi's chemo starts Monday for 4-6 weeks, then a possible additional 2-3 weeks depending on what happens. Haha already flew back and is packing the car - they have a relative going along on the drive, so it's all good there. I may try to move my vacation up a week, but they won't have their perm living space ready until sometime next week at the earliest - so any sooner would be a waste in some ways.
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