December 6th, 2002


love or crush?

Been falling in love alot recently.... or crushing on people... or letting myself dream and fantasize about people I'll never meet.

It's not too bad, just 90% of my friends list... And anyone I've seen in the past 4 weeks or so... And anyone I've chatted, emailed, IMed, spoke to on the phone, or otherwise contacted.

This morning, a few on my friends list just sparked me. I've caught up on entries now, and a few I just couldn't believe how intense I felt. That's me, though. I tend towards the crush/love from afar trend. I let myself do that most of the time, it's just so much easier that way. RL relationships are too complex, too demanding, and never compare.

Not to say I'm against them. But the pure attraction and freedom of teasing Tigger or Catmist... taking the place of someone in one of Risque's stories... seeing the beauty of Linc or Bath... the humor of Gnome... Debating with Ectv or Hunnybee... the randomness of Strange or Lamana... the life events of Live, Tris, or Deb... The pain of Authoress or Ceno... The darkness of Machina... The independence of Sinth or Silver... well I could go on with a word or two for all those on my list.

This idealism, this purity of the informational glimpse into their lives, this is what allows me to love them. Not for any reality but the one that is created by what they write and how I read it. I love them for what they are to me, independent of any other relationship I or they might have. This is not to say I'm crossing the line into speaking for them, for saying they love me, or to think there is another relationship outside of the LJ context. That doesn't matter.

The reason the people that are on my friends list are there is because I am attracted to them. After reading their entries for a time, I have grown to love them. I may dream or fantasize about someone, and I enjoy that part of it. Will I ever meet them? Proabably not. Will I ever live out a fantasy with them? No. I am content with the current terms.

That said, there is always that temptation. I've done it a few times before... Getting to 'know' someone, then trying to relate those ideals into reality. At the same time I revel in the way online relationships work, I hate that conversion step to reality. Unless I already knew someone RL, I would say no one reading my LJ has any idea what I'm in reality. They don't know my voice, my appearance, my bearing - anything.

I love the anonymity that I strive for in my LJ. It makes reality a bitch, though.

There's no way to trust what I'm writing here. I'm realizing I can type all day explanation after explanation about how I work and feel and love and crush and lust and enjoy... But I can still come off sounding like some undesireable scummy stalker type who goes out and looks for pretties to obsess over.

It's sad, really.
  • Current Music
    darkness and silence


I'm considering going out and visiting my people... It looks like I'll be able to take a nice long xmas break. Don't want to schedule it and all, but I'm starting to think about it. I hate to make the drive, but there's really no other way to do it.

I'm also thinking of heading out and meeting some new people. Not sure who yet. Prolly people as far west as KS, north to MI, east to OH, and south to TN. We'll see.

Have some ideas in the way of taking things with me and giving them away, but not sure yet. Would be one way to go, at least.

Went to OCR with the big boss and such for lunch. It's been awhile since we've been there, and it looks like it'll be awhile before we're back... Rayman decided it was in their best interest to not go there anymore. Not a big deal, really. We'll prolly switch to BBQ. Our waitperson was completely attractive and I was very interested. Sadly, not a redhead.

Heard all about RunningBear's new system. They spent a whole load of cash on it, based on our recommendations.. and are completely happy with it. I don't blame them - I'd like a system like that myself. I'm thinking one of my earlier toys in the coming year will be a new system of some kind. I'm completely behind and lacking certain features - DVD burning is a big one.

Hunnybee mentioned the other day that I seem to be too hard on myself sometimes. I disagree. I really don't get down on myself that much, but I try to be honest with myself - if I'm being annoying, I want to figure out why and stop doing that.

Oz mentioned awhile ago that two particular entries I made seemed to be written by completely different people. I'm not surprised, really. I've had a few distinct moods/masks/personalities for quite awhile. Each one handles things completely differently.

Earlier today, I was inspired... So the poet came out.

Spent quite awhile winning the latest mission in Age of Mythology... Too long, really. I was having fun playing, evne though I could have won in at least half the time.

Trying to finish up the CDs I promised Rain awhile back so I can get them shipped out. I dislike having unfinished tasks and unmet promises.

I will freely admit that what I'm trying to avoid doing is heading up to see Strawberry. I want to, but it's just not the time for it.

I need some relaxation time with my friends... I miss them, and visiting family is nowhere near the same thing. I'm looking forward to the usual hanging out and BSing, with nowhere to go and nothign to do.

I need to get over this crap and get back to daily DDR. Thankfully, sinus swelling has gone down now - I just need to be able to breathe without hacking up an internal organ now.

I'm hoping those idiots at work leave me alone this weekend... I've got time off, I'd like to enjoy it.
  • Current Music
    various misc TV