July 8th, 2002

ddr

another day

let's see...

went to Thai with Morphine, Hunnybee, and Rodimus... it was soooooo gooooooddd... thai toast, spicy basil chicken, jasmine tea, and a little mango and something icecream.... I couldn't move after...

then back to my place, finished cleaning here and there, then began to mud a bit while waiting... when they all showed up, I put in Boondock Saints... we had a few beers and enjoyed the show... RedneckNinja called during, I told them I'd call them back later.

After it was over, we watched the outtakes and deleted scenes, then Mission Hill... and chatted a bit... but then it was time for them to go since it was approaching midnight and some of us had to work in the am.

I let Morphine take my 17" monitor in hopes they'll like it and want to buy it from me.

Tried to call RedneckNinja back, but they didn't answer... prolly asleep. I did want to find out what happened to them, since they had said they were limping...

Getting to sleep was remarkably difficult considering how exhausted I felt... But I forced it, and finally fell into a nice deep sleep for a few hours... had to get up around 4 for some reason, but then I was good until the alarm scared the living crap outta me... I reset it for 1/2 hour later and fell back asleep... then it startled me again, so I got up for the day...

I was dreading being here... and I've done my best to get to work, but it's hard... Any opportunity to do something else, I've taken.

Prolly go to the store then home for lunch... might just stay there... my boss told me that there are several others working from home today, and he's thinking about it as well...

Drank some really good tea - Stash Chai Spice... yummy.

I'm going to delete my previous entry since it goes against the grain of what I want in here... or at least edit it.
  • Current Mood
    discontent discontent
kmix

right

so I left work at like 1:30 after talking at length to the guy who might buy my machines, went to the store... came home, had lunch.. and took a nap...

*sigh*
I know I shouldn't have, but... damn.

I feel much better now, though. Spent some time catching up on journals. Ranted on a few. XR Sized a little. started dinner and some laundry.

I figured out what I'm going to do, since I was lax on the XR Size over the long weekend. I won't permit myself to mud until I've done XR Size. that should help.

tonight... hmm... I need to get some things done for work, since I fucked off a bit. I'd also like to organize some more stuff for ebay, or clean up a box/drawer/pile of junk. Mental notes to borrow Morphine's digicam again... and find out what happened with that second bottle of wine... and the monitor.

prolly watch some tv or a dvd as background. need to talk to RedneckNinja.

spent quite awhile talking to Hunnybee today... realized that I should post some of that in here, since I didn't yet.

about Ankh over the weekend:
see, we had too good of a time on my visit. it was very strange, and weirded me out to some extent. yes, it was exactly what I needed, but...

I've got issues. Strawberry still has hold of me to some extent, and I really can't relax until that's taken care of. That means going up there to visit and finally have it all out.

so, back to Ankh. we were talking during the early morning after they got back from a party and were drunk. and suddenly, I realized I was starting to fall back into the old pattern. I was getting pissed for no reason. so we talked the next day a bit, and it happened again... and kept getting worse. I realized what was going on, so I ended the conversation... then they got on icq and started messaging me. I warned them flat out that I was in a mood to do damage to them if they continued. They continued, and I went off. almost completely. I held back some, but...

You know how only someone who really knows you can just rip you apart? they can take all those fears and such and just stab at them directly? I did that. I took advantage of everything I know about Ankh and I unloaded it all at once on them. Some of it was true, some of it was not.

In any case, I really hurt them. Deeply.

After I did that, I was calm and out of that mood. And we kept talking, for some odd reason. You would have thought one of us would stop at that point. But we didn't.

I ended up admitting my love/hate for them. I cannot accept them. Yet I want to.

One thing I didn't do was apologize. I am disappointed in myself, however. It is that kind of behaviour I loathe in other people, and try to avoid. Yet I didn't this time. I let it all out, knowing I was cutting deep.

That dark part of me doesn't get out much, thankfully.

So now it's a bit strange... we're still talking, and yet... something has changed. there's a different... edge... to it all.

I want to justify it with my warning and the idea that it was necessary for them to let go of me completely. But that's bs, I fear. Yes, there's some truth in those, but... The fact is that there's a part of me that doesn't give a damn about anyone at all, and I let it come out and play. And I hurt someone very deeply.

food's done, time to eat.
  • Current Mood
    hungry hungry
kmix

aw hell while I'm in a ranting mood

time to reemphasize something.

I am attempting to stamp out bitching without action. For myself, as well as others. Myself being more important, of course. Have to make the attempt to do before asking.

It's really simple in concept... a bit more difficult in practice.

If you have a complaint, then you may voice it. However, you must also give a plan of action to solve it. If you do not act on the plan, you are not allowed to complain any more.
  • Current Mood
    awake awake
max2

ranting != sense

whoo earlier I really did just go off on a rant and miss the point entirely... *shrug* ppl pointed it out, and I agree...

RedneckNinja called, they evidently fell off a mechanical bull on sat night... now they can't walk.

kinda funny, I don't feel much like mudding.

I did a very small bit of work.

gonna finish my beer and veg... offline, I think... RSI means hands need rest... and I've got a shit ton of work to do tomorrow. prolly should try to get up and in early, as well. boss posted schedule, I'm on the 8am shift wed-sat, bleh. next week I'm on evenings after training 8-5... and prolly long night shift sat.
  • Current Mood
    sore sore