June 13th, 2002


if life was a MUD

Taz MANGLES you with their confessional backstab!
Taz DECIMATES you with their confessiona!
Taz ANNIHILATES you with their confession!
Taz == OBLITERATES == you with their confession!
Taz DEVASTATES you with their confession!
Taz RIPS OUT YOUR HEART AND STOMPS ON IT with their love for someone else!
You are INCAPACITATED, and will slowly die if not aided.
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the long version

I must admit, it's not like I didn't see it coming. Still, actually hearing it...

This explains, I think, the mood I was in that weekend after the party they went to - that's where they met this person. And my continuing mood through today - I knew it was coming.

The problem with being an empath is that you have to decipher what feelings are yours, what are theirs, what your reaction to theirs is, and what you project onto them. Probably what happened is that I felt the truth and reacted to it, which crosswired me with my own emotions for anything else for a few days. Subconscious emotion is very strong.

So Taz comes over this morning... makes me get up to answer the door... walks in, sets my stuff down, gives me a hug... then asks about what's going on... then asks me to tell them what the problem is.

I ask why I'm suddenly at the bottom of their priority list. They reply that the case isn't that... it's that they've been avoiding me because something happened and they didn't know how to tell me.

So they spend a few minutes talking around about how it wasn't planned, how they weren't looking for it, etc... finally, I as what "it" was... knowing, of course, what it was.. but needed them to say it.

In any case, they "realized" last Wed (or was it Thurs? they kept going back and forth on it) and told the other person. Again, at a party.. One, again, which I was conspicuously not invited to. Yet they waited over a week to let me in on it.

So the vibe I was picking up was the case - they were avoiding me so they wouldn't actually have to admit the truth. In doing so, I was left to figure it out on my own... Which I did, as usual, subconsciously. I don't think they realize how in tune with them I had become. Delaying the truth only let me suffer with trying to decide if what I was getting was the correct story or not.

They keept thinking they know what I want/need to do... but they don't. They keep projecting things on me, which annoys me... They're avoiding me, they've got the big thing to tell me, but I'm the one with the problem who's avoiding them.

At one point, they did come over and hug me... whispering over and over "I'm sorry." Don't know that I believe that, enitrely. They also said "I still care about you, that will never change." Again, doubtful. I notice they no longer love me.

In any case, they're in love, they're happy, and they're going to get married. Good for them.

Me? I'm a sucker, as usual. I really hate, sometimes, being the good person. I didn't cry, I didn't yell (tho they asked), I didn't hit (tho they asked). I just sat trying to deal with it enough to get to work. I think I dealt with most of it subconsciously already, so it wasn't too too bad. I told them I was happy for them, that they deserved to be in love. Truth. I also said that it sucked for me. Also truth.

Why do I have to be the good person who never gets what they want, and always gets hurt in the proccess?

They told me "We're going too fast" and "I don't want to get married" and all sorts of other things... All of which, of coure, went out the window when they found someone else. Me being me, I took what they told me at face value and agreed to slow things down, to start over... to not be a source of pressure. Now they tell me they and this new person are "moving VERY fast." And that "I want to marry them." And, of course, never once said their name.

Yet, I know love transcends everything else. And I know if it's one-way, then it's pointless. It's just that it keeps happening to other people, and I'm left with nothing.

I told them once that I loved them unconditionally. Why do I keep saying that? It's true, though. Even now, I love them... Even now, I want them to be happy. Even though they've pretty much shattered my heart and ground it into dust. I know it's their path, and they need to take it. I know it's right for them. But dammit, I'm sick and tired of wasting all this time, energy, and money on someone else just to have them go find truth elsewhere. It makes me feel used, like I'm perfect for therapy but not much else.

I'd been thinking about things, and realized that I asked for truth... There are two things about that... One is that truth is hard sometimes. The other is that there are shades of truth, and pure truth in unattainable. Details don't matter sometimes, as much as the core message. And Taz has always glossed over details in favor of the message. Many times have the details conflicted, but the core message remained. It's a matter of either deciphering that message for what it is and disregarding its packaging, or having them not bother talking around and packaging the message - just saying it. I guess that's just one of many things that no longer matters anymore.

Anyway, they grabbed their stuff and left for work, as did I. No other words, no goodbyes, no cya laters.

So they have all their crap and I have all mine. Except for passing in the halls at work, there is no reason to ever see or talk to each other again.
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    indescribable indescribable


RedneckNinja just called. Taz called them earlier and told them to babysit me.

Using my friends.... This is annoying.
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    annoyed annoyed


had lunch with Rodimus, Hawkwind, Morphine, and Hunnybee.. there's a new waitress at Chinese.

back to work to discover I can't do shit until after 5, so I came home.

sent my lj url to Ankh and Taz, I figure WTF, eh? I have a problem with using this as a substitution for conversation in a relationship... and since I'm not going to have a relationship with either of them... *shrug*

been alternating with bouts of zoning, aggression, misery, and apathy.

didn't eat well at lunch, no real appetite.

but eating made the headache go away for a bit.

now I'm going to mud for the sole purpose of slaughtering mobs. later I might ddr to wear myself out and work out the aggression. and, of course, work.
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mood swinging up a storm

and, could the day get any worse?

wait, don't answer that.

decided to stop mudding and go to ddr... my dmx machine was broken yet again - this time it was serious. someone had not only completly killed the coin slot and mech by ripping the front piece off, but they also managed to remove one of the sensor covers completely.. it was more like planned sabotage than anything else. and of course it's been down since sometime on fri, so I missed the two $$ days.. and no one fucking told me until today.

so Rodimus and I fixed it.

I played a little, then was so disgusted that I had to leave. the trip home was a test in nerves with rush hour idiots all over the place.

so now I suppose I'll get to work, maybe have something to eat... bleh

and my moods have been swinging even more violently... from murderous to suicidal... then apathetic and emotionless... then over to despair and heartache. it's hard to deal when they keep changing so fast.

don't know what I need, but hopefully talking to RedneckNinja later will help.. I may have to make some other calls as well.
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phone ear

so... talked to Ankh for 3-4 hours... then RedneckNinja for a few...

ear sore

I'm pretty out of it

now I need to get some work done. bleh

should be able to sleep in some though.
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    tired tired