March 17th, 2002

ddr

relatioships are a drug

aren't they?

I mean, you get that little taste at first... and all it does is make you want more... Then you get more, and you want still more... pretty soon you're hooked... and then you realize at some point that you only reason you tried was that you weren't supposed to... and the high fades...

I have the same thing when shopping... I'm decent at controlling impulse buys.. Only if something's on sale that I've already been looking at for awhile, generally... But as soon as I buy something, I may not touch it for a year or more... What I really wanted was the rush of spending the $... and the knowledge that I own that particular item, so it can go off the master checklist of Shit I Want.

For some reason, I'm thinking about this in relation to Taz... I mean, I've had "The Patience of God" as Oz (and RedneckNinja, too I think) put it for over 2 years now... And now I have Taz as an SO. And I'm already thinking of running away, or ending it... or ... something.

I had some pillow talk time with Taz yesterday, which was only slightly interrupted by the kid's incessant shouting about this and that... Basically, they're not sure it's the right decision... they're scared of what could happen.. they're not comfortable at all with the thoughts and emotions and possibilities involved... and basically, the only real reasons they had for trying it were that a) everyone else thought we should, b) I treat them well (perhaps better than anyone else in their history?), and c) we hang out together alot anyway.

I've been thinking about that since... And none of it... I don't know how to say it, really... it doesn't strike me? impact me? I dunno, something... But it does explain why we can share a kiss as natural as can be... but that it has no fire... no passion... it's just a kiss - merely lukewarm and frankly unexciting. There's an occasional feeling of banked coals, at least... but there's so much in between that it's barely there...

I know that they've never really dated as such... went from one marriage straight into another, and nothing since... But I haven't done the dating thing much, either.... Yet I know when there's true interest or not.... and it seems that if there is any there at all, it's buried so deep I don't know if I have the patience left to draw it out. I want to... I know I do... But I also think I've been trying too hard for too long, and put myself through too much stress, to continue as long as I need to - to succeed.

and it sucks.

At the point where I had found out my father could be dying in a matter of weeks, and Taz dropped everything to come over and just hold me for awhile... At that point, I felt we were closer than ever... Now... I don't know.

I've always had a problem with the SO thing, the bf/gf nomenclature... it doesn't suit me. Especially now. There isn't a quick description which fits the situationg, really. I have a very close friend who, since friday, I've started kissing. That's about it.

I tried really hard to be positive when we were talking, to ease some of the fears and what-if paths their mind was taking... but I was realizing more and more that they're not ready to take this step. And forcing the issue isn't going to make it any better. Yet, stepping back too far won't be any better.

What I need is some uninterrupted time alone with Taz to discuss the matter whole-heartedly. It hasn't happened yet due to Oz being there, or A, or J, or work, or something... something always gets in the way. And of course it's spring break, so J and A will be around constantly for the next week.

Oz had to open their huge fucking mouth and mention Ankh the other day, so Taz has been asking me about them ever since... Since it's never when we are alone, and they keep misremembering the actual name, I keep avoiding the topic. That won't last, and I'm not impressed with myself for doing it... especially since I've got all the dirt on their past, pretty much.

And, of course, the fact that I clamped down on and expelled my emotions regarding Taz only a week or three ago - thinking, as I did, that there was no point in expending any more effort in that regard.... that they now agreed to date has been a shock that I don't think I'm recovered from still.

In essence, I got what I thought I wanted which might not be what I really wanted after all.

It's interesting that I wanted what I couldn't have... so I gave it up... in the process, I distanced myself from Taz slightly... and suddenly, either by that act or sheer coincidence, they overturn their verdict.

I think they're just bowing into pressure and a sense of obligation and guilt... And there's nothing that turns me off more than thinking someone's feigning interest in me because of that.
  • Current Mood
    morose morose
Knot

ugh

I feel like total and complete shit

either I ate something bad or caught something worse... bleh

vegged all day... did some laundry... burned a cd... organized some cds... cleaned up the bedroom slightly...

Taz called... twice... RedneckNinja called...

and I realize I forgot to recount yesterday's events...

woke up early, trief to veg and sleep again, with little success... was hanging around when Rain called... said they needed $150 cash to pay off a warrant or some crap, and could I drive them by an atm since their license was suspended? So I say sure, I'l need to get dressed and such, d unno how long it'll be... THEN they asked if I could hurry..

So I take a quick shower, get dressed and out the door.... and call them to say I'm on the way... then they said they're at some cop shop and I need to bring the $ with me.... so I hit an atm, find the station... and they pay and get a court date... and I get the story.. there was some fine or other they didn't pay, so the cops came looking for them... their license is suspended and the court date is next month. but we go by the atm and they fork over the cash as promised...

I head back home, Oz is packed and ready to go... but no longer wants to fund the LLC.... which is fine by me, we work that out... and they want thai before they leave... so we go get thai... Oz orders 2 appetizers, and entree, and a pot of soup for the road... I get my usual... it's all good.. Oz buys...

I head over to Taz's place, which is nearby... we hang out for awhile... try to take a nap, but J is loudly nagging constantly.... have some pillow talk, which is good... and then leave to pick up Rain for karaoke...

my car is small, and we all barely fit in... I head home for a quick change, and then we're out... karaoke is fun, as usual.... J is out early on some chairs, and so we're spared that for awhile... we leave a littel after midnight, and I drop everyone off... get to bed by 3...

I try to sleep in.. turn the phones off, etc... doesn't quite happen... 7-something I'm awake... I go back to bed and try to sleep in, with marginal success... finally get up and moving 10 or so...

I think that's it for the highlights... gotta go put the bedclothes in the dryer... and suffer until they're done.
  • Current Mood
    sick sick