May 15th, 2001



I slept for a few hours. I still fell like hell.
AC is running constantly for some reason.
Tried to get back to sleep but couldn't yet. Might have to drug myself in order to.

I did manage to write the chronicle of the trip, but it's on the laptop and i can't be bothered with it atm.

It seems that today was the day that everything that could possibly have gone wrong did - or the things that went wrong all finally caught up with me at the same time.
1) I get called by someone from the office who's upset/pissed that I posted some of their pics to the apt community group.
2) L calls and bitches because I missed their birthday because I was out of town.
3) one of the main biz ppl at work writes my director and wants to chat about me
4) I'm stressed because of all this and trying to make sure I'm caught up in everything
5) I don't get a chance for lunch
6) I have to stay later than I normally would because of a "team meeting" scheduled at 4 by my team lead.
7) Because of the stress, my stomach is upset most of the day and a headache looms off an on all day
8) I had to walk across to another apt to take my morning shower in a handicap unit with no curtain, and I really didn't feel fresh and clean afterwards
9) Depression sets in
10) Chichi is starting some new medication that requires injections
11) A seems to be in a tough situation at work, and I had no advice to offer, plus had to run to the team meeting and couldn't stay to talk about it.

Some good things did happen, though... Team lead was talking about cutting the meeting short, and mentioned "...So you can go home or whatever it is you do at 4:20..." That was pretty amusing, although either no one got it or was afraid to mention what it might mean... L wants to get together to hang out and such sometime RSN, although I'm guessing it might be because they want to be pampered as if it's their birthday, not necessarily because it's me. Jingoro is doing pretty well. Chichi is doing pretty well. The guy in the apt complex who was in the hospital is doing pretty well. I've been continuing conversations with LadyHighlander since we didn't get to talk much at the con.

I don't know what to do about any of it really... I'm tempted to take some sick days and drive out of town... somewhere... and just go back to being not here... I could quit my job, move out of my apt, and go back to living near my college friends... Take some minimal job and not worry about anything, just sit around all day playing games and drinking cheap beer with friends. Why should I have this kind of stress in life already? Or perhaps I'm making more out of it than it really is, I don't know.

I haven't felt this bad in awhile. I forgot just how low I can sink. This is about the equivalent of when Strawberry called to yell at me, to say that not only was it over, but I was never to even attempt communication of any sort ever again. And then those cards I had sent came back with "Return to sender - Moved - Do Not Call, Do Not Write, Do Not Speak - Ever"

Yes, it's that bad. I don't know why. I guess I feel that my link to the community has broken, and there's no one to fall back on. I feel utterly alone. I had been making some great strides in socialization. Now I'm reverting back to that hermit-like existence I once had. I can be comfortable there, but on my own terms. Right now, it just sucks. No, wait, it fucking sucks.

Earlier in life, this would be about the time I'd be talking suicide. I'm over that now, I know better. I just want to retreat into myself by myself for myself for awhile. Work is not condusive to that. Not to mention my fairly costly apartment and lease payment on the car.

So.. what to do, what to do.... Perhaps I'll just take a few drugs and get to sleep. After the weekend I had, beer just doesn't sound good. Not to mention i really don't need to be any more depressed at this point.

Oh yeah, headache and stomach are making their presence felt again. Bleah. At least I've got a clear calendar so far tomorrow, so I'll work from home and not have to deal with... anything. I need to go pick up my plate and registration... And get the graphics for that website I'm contracting for... And avoid humanity altogether... There are perhaps a few things I can get done for work as well. We'll see. The plan right now is to get up eventually, check email, and relax as much as possible.

I have a problem with embarrassment and screwing up. Not only do I get self-justified, but I continue to think about the situation endlessly. There is a time probably 7 or so years ago that I still remember vividly, and can't get out of my head. It was a minor little mix-up with a great deal of embarrassment. Sometimes I have insomnia about it. And, of course, Strawberry.

It's funny how danger and pain play such a small part in my memory. I know I've had both, but those instances are muted, as if they hold no importance. Strange, I suppose.

Then again, I understand no one, least of all myself, when it comes to such things. I am pretty good at understanding my motivations for doing most things... I've got those down pat, and I'm glad I do. But reactions and emotions, especially when they change suddenly, about as often and intense as the wind... well, those are a different matter. I can go from 0 to bitch in an instant, and the same with having fun being with friends to instantly needing to be by myself, or laughing at the world to ready to nuke the whole thing. I've learned to deal with it.

Something that has come up recently in conversation is dependance on drugs. For health, happiness, and the like. I try to avoid this as much as possible. Only when I'm feeling my worst do I take anything, and then it's usually a single small dose of ibuprofen, naproxen sodium, acetaminophen, or aspirin. This has the effect of putting me to sleep. Sleep is how I deal with stress, illness, pain, and depression. Part of how I feel depends on how much extra sleep I'm getting. Anyway, the point was that I don't hold with taking drugs for any and everything. There are no instant cures. And if taking drugs is someone's answer to everything, I wonder why. There are usually deeper issues that should be addressed. The drugs are merely a temporary patch on top of a problem. I have CTS/RSI, chronic lower back pain, bad knees, migraines, depression, and several other physical and mental problems. Yet I go to the doctor... never if possible. And I get through life, and even enjoy it a good portion of the time. And I am not the most willful of people. Then again, I'm not a sheep, either.

Right now I'm feeling alternately hungry and queasy... Tired and not-tired... But all in all, like hell.

So anyway, enough rambling for now. I have no idea how big this entry will be, but it is probably about the biggest one I've written lately. I suppose I've avoided a good dose of self-examination for too long. And I've also avoided a good rant during the same time. Hopefully this is a mix of both. Maybe it will help me get my thoughts in order, and that will help me deal with this stress. I hope.

One last thing,
"99 bottles of beer on the wall. 99 bottles of beer." is a haiku. That is amusing.
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