Cernunnos Morrigu (cmorrigu) wrote,
Cernunnos Morrigu

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catching up

so.. Wed...
Taz was trying to go home from work due to a headache and didn't feel ilke hanging out or anything, so just vegged and such around work. Found out from the shipping person that my 1 machine was in the area, so left a bit early to stop by and talk to the arcade manager. It turns out that they tried to deliver Tues when they were closed, and again on Wed - but they expected a dock and only had a big truck.

Went home and vegged... Taz called saying they were almost home and would prolly just do bills then crash... We discussed option for machine delivery... Then they said I sounded depressed and asked I wanted to come over to be petted... I said sure and headed over there after scarfing down some pasta. I got there and we sat and watched tv on the couch while they did some bills and went thru a box of stuff they stil hadn't unpacked yet... And, well, basically I had the distinct impression that I was not wanted there at all. So I left. Went to the store and got some food, then went home to brood and feel shitty. Oh and called hte local shipping co, they suggested another local delivery service that uses lift gate trucks, although it was extra.. I told them to do it.

Thurs... Went to work... called the local shippers back to see what the plan was - ended up giving them my mobile # and telling them to call me (like they were supposed to in the first damn place) when they were ready to deliver... Was about to go to chinese for lunch with Rodimus when they called, so we headed over and accepted the delivery... And spent about an hour cleaning and setting the machine up. Then we went to Chinese and ate, then back to work.... Got off kinda early, headed home for some food, then out for the weekly DDR thing. We had fun, played with the new machine a bit - fixed some problems, etc...

Fri.. Work.. sucked... arranged dinner for Rain's going away... boss left really early, and I followed... came home to take a nap... woke up and took some calls with details on the night, including Taz coming over for a bit before we left.. But they didn't show... they called at 5 saying they were about ready to leave, and I mentioned that we had to pick Rain up.. so they ended up picking Rain up... dropped in for some last minute preparation... Taz noticed I was kinda moody, and then jumped my playfully to cheer me up... then headed out just as Morphine and Hunnybee called to see where we were. Got tot he place, and we had a wait... we hung around outside enjoying the nice evening and chatting... M showed up, but J and G got stuck at work and couldn't make it. We finally got in and seated, and the server was way behind... but we eventually got our food and such and everything was good. It was a really fun time. We hung around outside after for a bit while the smokers smoked and such... Then we took Rain back home, and gave final goodbye hugs... and came back to my place... Taz went through another box of stuff they had... Taz and I waited for Morphine and Hunnybee to show up, then gave up and started watching Superstar at Taz's request... then Morphine and Hunnybee left, and Taz and I went to bed...

We had some interesting conversation... hmm... yeah.

Woke up to a few phone calls for Taz... and then they left. I went back to sleep and pretty much slept the day away. I was depressed or something. Not really wanting to go to karaoke and all that. Then my boss called, and I said I'd go into work. Work was bullshit. It wasn't my team, I didn't really have anythign useful to do. It was a case of issues being escalated, and management throwing people at the problem. But, after midnight, I cam home and crashed... turned off the phones..

Sun I slept in until I had to go back to work at 2... again useless... I only made myself useful briefly through my knowledge of excel.. the rest of the time I was babysitting machines... went to wend'ys for dinner break... and then left at 10... came home and crashed.

somewhere in here, RedneckNinja called, and I called them back, but we didn't get a chance to talk.

Today, more of the same.. no work, just sleep.... went to Chinese for lunch, then came back to nap... did a small amount of organizing... played some HotD2... did laundry... dusted the bedroom... napped... ate... watched hockey.. burned cds...

and now I'm watching a hockey game and thinking about either walking out to get the mail, going to the store for food, or crashing. there's something wrong with my machine, and I don't really feel like doing any more to figure out what it is exactly.

so now, where does this leave me?

Doom and Gloom as far as Taz is concerned, I'm afraid. There are some things which I'm sure we'll be able to work out in time.... Others... Well, I don't think either of us will compromise enough to satisfy either of us. Those will be nasty sticking points later on, I forsee. That being the case... I'm not sure whether to take it any farther, to bring it up, or just end it.

Granted, they have surprised me a few times... Unexpected gestures and talking about "we" and "us" and such. Most of the time, though, they've followed the path I expected them to... I have gotten to know them pretty well in the past 3 years, so... Yeah. I dislike thinking this... I really dislike brooding about it. But it's there. And yes, I'm a bit too nonconfrontational to address it directly, although I am trying to get better at that. IT boils down to my idealism flaring up for some unknown reason, and reality not hitting anywhere close. Taz is stubborn, I can be stubborn. It'll come back sooner or later. I hate to say this, but I'm almost hoping they do get deployed... That would make it a non-issue. They would go away for a year, and we wouldn't attempt to keep anything going (in theory, so says Taz)... so it would be no one's fault. No blame. But an end.

And it sucks. Hunnybee kept commenting on us looking schmoopie and all that... And some of it was real... Some of it was just playing to the audience and hiding the moods we were both in. I hate faking it in a relationship.

So I'm stuck. But I Finally sat down and got at least some of this out. I don't think I can do much more tonight.

Taz called earlier.. I didn't call back.... One of the things that bothered me was when they mentioned something to the effect of "I'm trying to be a good so... see, I've been calling you every day..." Which is complete BS to me. It's too superficial. What is behind it is that they are unwilling to open up, and don't want me to open up any more until they're ready.

As I've said before, my patience is about gone.... I don't think I can outlast them... Not anymore.

But one of the things we discussed fri night was that we were both glad that we gave it a shot, even if it turns out to be the wrong move.

Of course now I'm questioning my my sincerity and theirs... But it was stated.


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