Cernunnos Morrigu (cmorrigu) wrote,
Cernunnos Morrigu
cmorrigu

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relatioships are a drug

aren't they?

I mean, you get that little taste at first... and all it does is make you want more... Then you get more, and you want still more... pretty soon you're hooked... and then you realize at some point that you only reason you tried was that you weren't supposed to... and the high fades...

I have the same thing when shopping... I'm decent at controlling impulse buys.. Only if something's on sale that I've already been looking at for awhile, generally... But as soon as I buy something, I may not touch it for a year or more... What I really wanted was the rush of spending the $... and the knowledge that I own that particular item, so it can go off the master checklist of Shit I Want.

For some reason, I'm thinking about this in relation to Taz... I mean, I've had "The Patience of God" as Oz (and RedneckNinja, too I think) put it for over 2 years now... And now I have Taz as an SO. And I'm already thinking of running away, or ending it... or ... something.

I had some pillow talk time with Taz yesterday, which was only slightly interrupted by the kid's incessant shouting about this and that... Basically, they're not sure it's the right decision... they're scared of what could happen.. they're not comfortable at all with the thoughts and emotions and possibilities involved... and basically, the only real reasons they had for trying it were that a) everyone else thought we should, b) I treat them well (perhaps better than anyone else in their history?), and c) we hang out together alot anyway.

I've been thinking about that since... And none of it... I don't know how to say it, really... it doesn't strike me? impact me? I dunno, something... But it does explain why we can share a kiss as natural as can be... but that it has no fire... no passion... it's just a kiss - merely lukewarm and frankly unexciting. There's an occasional feeling of banked coals, at least... but there's so much in between that it's barely there...

I know that they've never really dated as such... went from one marriage straight into another, and nothing since... But I haven't done the dating thing much, either.... Yet I know when there's true interest or not.... and it seems that if there is any there at all, it's buried so deep I don't know if I have the patience left to draw it out. I want to... I know I do... But I also think I've been trying too hard for too long, and put myself through too much stress, to continue as long as I need to - to succeed.

and it sucks.

At the point where I had found out my father could be dying in a matter of weeks, and Taz dropped everything to come over and just hold me for awhile... At that point, I felt we were closer than ever... Now... I don't know.

I've always had a problem with the SO thing, the bf/gf nomenclature... it doesn't suit me. Especially now. There isn't a quick description which fits the situationg, really. I have a very close friend who, since friday, I've started kissing. That's about it.

I tried really hard to be positive when we were talking, to ease some of the fears and what-if paths their mind was taking... but I was realizing more and more that they're not ready to take this step. And forcing the issue isn't going to make it any better. Yet, stepping back too far won't be any better.

What I need is some uninterrupted time alone with Taz to discuss the matter whole-heartedly. It hasn't happened yet due to Oz being there, or A, or J, or work, or something... something always gets in the way. And of course it's spring break, so J and A will be around constantly for the next week.

Oz had to open their huge fucking mouth and mention Ankh the other day, so Taz has been asking me about them ever since... Since it's never when we are alone, and they keep misremembering the actual name, I keep avoiding the topic. That won't last, and I'm not impressed with myself for doing it... especially since I've got all the dirt on their past, pretty much.

And, of course, the fact that I clamped down on and expelled my emotions regarding Taz only a week or three ago - thinking, as I did, that there was no point in expending any more effort in that regard.... that they now agreed to date has been a shock that I don't think I'm recovered from still.

In essence, I got what I thought I wanted which might not be what I really wanted after all.

It's interesting that I wanted what I couldn't have... so I gave it up... in the process, I distanced myself from Taz slightly... and suddenly, either by that act or sheer coincidence, they overturn their verdict.

I think they're just bowing into pressure and a sense of obligation and guilt... And there's nothing that turns me off more than thinking someone's feigning interest in me because of that.
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