Cernunnos Morrigu (cmorrigu) wrote,
Cernunnos Morrigu
cmorrigu

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another weekend gone

bah

hmmm.... I forget what I've written all weekend...

today I slept and slept.... talked to the rents, RedneckNinja, Tigger, and Taz...

did laundry...

vegged...

ate Wendy's....

vacuumed...

looked for a few things I didn't find... found some things I wasn't looking for...

and otherwise wasted the day away....

ReneckNinja should be incoming tomorrow... ETA midnight or so...

Taz.... *sigh* Taz.... reaffirmed my place as a "very close friend" and not anything more... and I made sure to tell them that I wanted to be kept aware of that place, and any chages... and again put forth in a teasing manner that I would like to be more... when they were ready to be...

Taz was all rooting for me to hook up with M last night.... evidently they were hitting on me... I didn't quite get that vibe.... I was being playful with everyone... oh well... I guess I can always ask S later about it.... Oh I'm supposed to be going to another wine tasting with them here soon.... waiting for the email with details.

Tigger.... hmmm.... I know they've got a wonderful SO, but I can't help thinking about if they didn't.... Ah well, at least I'm sure to get hugs if we can meet up in Chi-town next month.

Hunnybee... their birthday is actually Monday, I think... They were having a great time last night, it was fun to see them bouncing around on the dance floor... and the lap dance was great too! Hehe... They're just fun to be around, and I think between them and Morphine and Rain, we're all at a very comfortable level now.... We've shared a lot of details about each other in the past few months of drunken 3am conversations, and we're better off for it.

I should call A about dinner tomorrow... since it's after payday, so part of their worries should be taken care of... And since I'll be hanging with RedneckNinja all week... now's the time... esp since I'll be out of town for the next payday... I'm still not sure where we stand, but I hope to have a better idea next time we meet....

I've been thinking that I really need some name for some of these people, the initials just don't do it for me... ah well...

I'm really looking forward to being able to talk to RedneckNinja in person for awhile... I really miss them. And I can discuss things such as rumors at work without fear of breaking promises to others about them... And of course try to get them to stay out here for awhile...

Strawberry.... I found some sentimental items while I was digging around today... They may have been part of today's mood... As much as I'd like to see where the potential with others leads, I think I truly would rather find out how to finally comlpete the relationship we used to have.... No one in my life has ever gotten all the way through to me like they once did.

And again I need to really and truly clean my place out. Either auction, donate, sell, trash, or otherwise get rid of a metric shit ton of crap I have lying around... I intend to be less materialistic, even if I'm not quite succeeding yet... I am starting to lose some of the collecting obsession and competition, starting to see items for what function they provide, and if they have given me their value and can now be discarded, that sort of thing. It's a slow process though...

I feel like I'm again on the verge of... something... I'm not sure what... By all rights, I should be more or less secure and safe in my environemnt at the moment, yet I am unseasy... something is missing...

I know going to Chi-town for training will be a great break... sure, it's a working vacation, and I have coworkers of questionable value as companions, but I will in no way be connected to my usual routine - yet I will have a structure to the day...

What it comes down to, really, is the fact that to really have a chance to find myself and my life as I wish/am meant to live it... I need to become independently wealthy. Whether it's by lottery, investments, or pure chance of another sort... Yet retain my health and mobility and friendships. It's a tricky thing, but I have given much thught to it. In order to best help my friends, I would want to put a large sum into a trust for each of them... I know my friends well enough to realize and cash donation would immediately be spent on some toy or another in most cases, which does not help their long term outlook. But if they had a steady income to fall back on, they would be much more willling to take chances and live life to the fullest. As would I.

People continue to surprise me... Some are worse, some are better.... But all tend to have moments that go beyond the cages I set for them in my mind... the easy categories I use to track them... I suppose I am a collector because of that neatness - you know what you have vs what is out there, and what you need to complete your set... Yet life is so unlike that. It's hard to tell from day to day what you will give to and take from other people.

It's actually very stupid in all. A little less self-interest, a little more interest in life as a whole..... who knows what could happen? It would probably still be far from an idealistic paradise.. but perhaps there would be enough freedom to matter, and the better parts of humanity would shine through.

Or not.
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