I finally had to skip out on plans tonight because, by the time I got home, the only thing I seemed capable of was going to bed. Taz tried to get me out to dinner with everyone, as did Rain... I just couldn't handle it tonight.
I went to bed shaking, and have been shaking on and off since I got up to eat. I'm a bit fragile at the moment.
It's amazing what an impact a few emails can have.
I did enjoy some of work today, I was able to work out some interesting macros which should help the team processes and reduce the drudgery..
and my friends at work were great.
However, Taz was in nonstop bitching/whining mode.... which can be very annoying... and after lunch all I wanted to do was get home. I was really fidgety... I still tried to plan the evening out...
I suppose since yesterday was so good, I don't fell all that bad about tonight. We went out to dinner, browsed the bookstore, and curled up to watch tv for awhile.
Between having to work tomorrow and not really having a chance to process the situation, tonight was just too much. I hope I can recover and have fun tomorrow night... I'd hate to miss the parties and such.
Jingoro, Rodimus, and RedneckNinja have been awesome, giving me what support they can. I think Oz and Rain don't quite know how to handle me in this situation. Despite my best efforts, Taz has noticed my stress.
I don't know what to do. All I can do is keep waiting for answers tot he questions I keep asking... until, hopefully, 5+ years of emotional baggage get cleaned up.
I hate this... this is why I did my best to not be in a real relationship for the past few years. The support of an SO is nice, but the stress can really put me over the edge quickly.
It's really insane that it's all I can do to not sit here and hit reload over and over until a new message comes in. How does one person I haven't seen in 5 years do this to me? It doesn't seem possible, yet here I am.. a wreck.
The worst possible thing at the moment would be no reply at all to my last message... it's already been almost 24 hours... It was a lengthy message, and I would like the reply to be the full story with all the details, but.... the anticipation is enough to kill me repeatedly.
And so with this stress, I am forced to sleep so that I don't implode.
For some reason, this quote plays on endlessly in my mind:
"I ask you about love, y'probably quote
me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and
been totally vulnerable...known someone that could
level you with her eyes. Feeling like God put an angel
on Earth just for you..who could rescue you from the
depths of Hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like
to be her angel, n to have that love for her be there
forever. Through anything." Good Will Hunting